I’ve lost my voice. Not figuratively, literally. And this blog was supposed to be a vlog. If I was able to speak, you’d hear that smirky, satirical quality in my voice that lets you know these thoughts are intended for comedic purposes and therefore, you wouldn’t dream of doing this stuff in real life.
Sure, it’s disappointing not to be able to upload a video — much less record one. You see, I have very important recommendations for your Black Friday Survival Snack Pack.
Snacks that will keep you going strong all Black Friday long and they double as weapons.
Let’s face it: there is nothing more akin to a war torn battlefield than the aisles of Best Buy on Black Friday.
You’ve got to be prepared for combat.
Shoppers are crazed, and more than likely, armed and dangerous.
Being prepared with a Black Friday Survival Snack Pack gives you an edge over other shoppers for scoring deeper discounts and the shortest lines.
1. HOT COFFEE
Not only is it hot and delicious, it’s caffeinated.
On Black Friday, you can’t be just alert. You’ve gotta be hyped enough to climb store displays if you want to get your hands on the last purple Furby.
Aside from the super-human strength a hot cuppa joe provides, it strategically doubles as a weapon.
Line too long? “OOOpps! I’m so sorry! Look what I just spilled all over you and now you need to run to the bathroom! Uh-Oh! Hot Coffee!”
And leave it to Starbucks to make a suitcase full of coffee so you don’t waste any valuable Black Friday time waiting in line at Starbucks. We all know the real warrior of Pumpkin Latte Season is the barista.
2. EGG SALAD SANDWICH
An energy packed snack? Yes. A deadly stink-bomb? Oh, yes!
Unwrap one of these bad boys whenever you need a crowd to disperse. When Gift Wrap is mobbed, an Egg Salad Sandwich has the crowd-thinning stench to get you in and out fast.
3. PEANUT BRITTLE
Peanut Brittle is the Black Friday Shopper’s Secret Weapon.
For starters, the jolt of sugar from sweet, crunchy Peanut Brittle aids in further warping the true meaning of bargain hunter in the demented mind of the Black Friday Shopper.
Most important, when broken into shards, Peanut Brittle makes an effective cutting blade. Not for actually cutting other shoppers, just for threatening to cut them. As a bonus, the strong peanut odor will divert anyone with a peanut allergy, so it’s like two weapons in one!
4. CANDY CORN
While less experienced shoppers may believe that any old, bad Halloween candy will do, the veteran Black Friday Shopper knows that Candy Corn is the only way to go.
Nothing says, “I’m a lunatic and you should probably give me what I want,” like attempting to bribe someone with Candy Corn.
The sheer shock and panic that comes over your victim when offered Candy Corn for their place in line, is like Kryptonite. No one takes the bribe because no one likes Candy Corn, but their place in line is suddenly all yours. Like taking Candy Corn from a baby.
The maniacal Black Friday Shopper shouldn’t be caught dead without a Cream Pie on the front lines.
That suitcase of Hot Coffee can get heavy and chances are you’ve run out of Egg Salad Sandwiches by noon. The Peanut Brittle threats and Candy Corn bribes have failed. Pepper spray and stun guns are just not your style.
But a fluffy Cream Pie in the face blinds the enemy temporarily and just might land you on the local news!
A Cream Pie in the face provides entertainment not just for the other shoppers lucky enough to witness the knockout blow, but for the people smart enough to stay home. Warm and relaxed, those at home enjoy Turkey Chili, as news of psycho Black Friday Shoppers flood the internet and cable news.
And isn’t that really what Black Friday is all about? Go get ‘em, America… the deals that is!
Have a Happy Thanksgiving and SAFE holiday weekend!
LESSONS FROM THANKSGIVINGS PAST
If you’re as bummed as I am that I have no voice, take a refresher course with Don’t Be That Guest for some practical advice on being the perfect holiday guest. If you have a moment, head to my YOUTUBE CHANNEL and SUBSCRIBE.
I am so thankful for all of you, my readers, viewers, recipe makers and subscribers! And I’d be so THANKFUL for your VOTE in the Taste Awards! Please VOTE for Average Betty in these 2 Viewer’s Choice Categories: 3. Best Food Program: Web, 5. Best Home Chef in a Series. Thank you so much for your support! Please click here to VOTE. Voting ends at 5 PM PT, November 27, 2012 – so don’t delay!